Monday, June 13, 2011

Dirty, Blonde Fighters








Tylene Buck and I were dating the same guy, a musician named Biff. Evidently Biff was telling her that she was the "only one" while he was telling me the same thing. Of course neither of us realized this at first. Blithely unaware of Biff's infidelity I would sing his praises to all of my friends. "I hate to tell you this, but I get a bad feeling from that guy." my longtime pal Lara commented to me one day. "I'm sorry if I come off as judgmental, but Biff just seems.. creepy." I regarded her for a moment without speaking. She returned my gaze. "Creepy?" I reiterated questioningly. "What makes you choose that word?" Lara sipped some coffee and looked out over the supermarket parking lot which surrounded us. "I don't know exactly." she said finally. "He just has a creepy vibe to him. He's always wearing that supercilious smirk on his face and it gives me the impression that he is up to no good, kind of like he's daring someone to guess what kind of dirty tricks he has up his sleeve." She finished speaking and I found myself making a mental note to look up "supercilious" in the dictionary when I got home to make sure it meant what I thought it meant. I could just ask her, but.. "Are you hearing me?" Lara demanded of me as a gust of wind blew over us. "There's something wrong with that guy. He's the type of person who.. " her voice trailed off as she gave the matter more thought. She had my full attention now. "He's the type of person who would.. " she searched for the correct words, her face taking on an urgent expression as she struggled to communicate her surprisingly negative impression of Biff. Finally she said: "He's the type of guy who would stick your toothbrush up his ass while he was using your bathroom. He would do it just so he would have the satisfaction of knowing that you were brushing your teeth with it every day." I set down my coffee and stared at her. Lara's sentences had poured out of her mouth in a torrent of emotion and even she seemed a bit startled that she had spoken them. Needless to say, so was I. We both sat there in silence as Lara reflected on her statement and then nodded her head. "Really. I really mean that. I think that is the type of guy that Biff is."

Soon enough I discovered that Lara's character assessment of Biff was on target. He did prove to be a dirty sleaze. I dumped him when I discovered that he was seeing Tylene behind my back. Months went by. Eventually Biff resurfaced, came crawling back to try and reclaim my affections. Guys like him always do. Around this time I ran into Tylene at a wrestling shoot. She greeted me politely, looking just as impossibly beautiful as ever. A powerful surge of jealousy burned its way through my body. I envied Biff for ever having had the opportunity to be close to such a gorgeous, classy creature. All of a sudden I hated Tylene, just passionately loathed her, for hooking up with that loser. Presumably, albeit nonsensically, I was projecting my anger at myself onto her. I realize that now, but at the time all I could think to do was grab a fistful of her blonde hair and drag her over to the boxing ring where I began unleashing every ounce of my pent-up rage onto her gorgeous body and shocked face. It only took Tylene the space of thirty seconds to recover her equanimity and begin fighting like a wildcat..


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