Monday, September 21, 2009
Whiskey River Rage
Jewell Marceau and I were hanging out at a roadside bar in the desert hoping some cute truckers would stop by. No such luck. We sat there expectantly until the crotchety old barkeep decided to shut the place down for the night. We were disappointed, but not ready to give up yet. We asked the barkeep, an elderly woman with an astonishing resemblance to Phyllis Diller, where else we could go to meet some guys. With an evil cackle she recommended that we go hang out by the truck scales on Interstate 5. "Maybe you'll even make $20!" she added. It surprised me how fast Jewell ripped the woman's cheap wig off her head and dumped a beer on the tangled mop. The woman was screaming profanities at the top of her lungs as she chased us out the door. It was too late when she remembered that we hadn't paid our tab. I was already inside my car gunning the engine in a threatening manner when she began bellowing about the money. Maybe my perception was cloudy, but I think that my side-view mirror may have clipped her in the boob as I tore out of the dirt parking lot. We drove a few miles and then pulled over to the side of the road. It was unclear to either of us whether our transgressions had been serious or not. The whole episode had been kind of odd. We decided to cut short our night on the town. After readjusting the side mirror and driving to Jewell's house we started playing darts in the living room. Jewell put on some country music because those cowboy songs always seem apropos when you're at a low ebb in your life. The sappy music was cranking at full volume when I noticed Jewell taking the very last swig out of the Jack Daniels bottle. That was the last drop of liquor in the house! She laughed out loud when she saw the outrage on my face. I told her I was going to teach her the lesson of her life. The details of the resulting battle are a little bit murky in my mind, but I could swear a song called "Whiskey River Rage" was playing in the background. Most days I like to pretend that none of it ever even happened...
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